It's the Moon

Image below from Instagram @fleurdelisspeaks 

I am not feeling well. My stomach is a mess and I have a fever. I am all kinds of mess. Since last night, really, I've felt awful, and I even ended up "ugly crying" on the couch last night. One of my sweet friends said "It's the moon." Maybe. LOL. Someone else typed "It's your hormones" but I deleted that comment because stay in your lane.​ My sweet partner was so kind because he knows my anxiety is worse when my body is sick. I wrote a poem about it. What I wonder is why so many of us are feeling this way -- if not physically ill, then mentally ill. I find it challenging to keep a positive focus on myself and my health when the world and lots of the people in it are so awful. I struggle to understand . . .

​That was going into a political rant so I stopped it there for my own sanity. There are beautiful people on social media too, and I often go to their accounts, like the one above, to remind myself it's ok to be having these feelings right now, and it's ok that my mind and my body are tired. And sometimes ill, like today. And I feel bad because I had to cancel a class that I was looking forward to teaching today - and it's only Week 3, but one of the things I like to model for my students is SELF CARE and balance. Yes, we all have commitments and responsibilities, but OURSELVES should always be at the top of the list. This is not a lesson I had learned when I was younger (or even five years ago). I remember working sick and people applauding my "commitment." Gross. I remember saying yes to SO MANY THINGS I should've said no to, because my time and energy mattered but I never put myself first. 

I do now. Bandwidth is important. Burn out is something real. PTSD and Trauma Response are real, and you don't have to have gone to a horrible war to get these things. I had ten years of everyone I loved dying in succession every six months. I had miscarriages. I adopted my nieces and raised and was guardian for them after my sister's stroke. I set aside my big dreams to support other people reaching their big dreams. 

My biological father was a worrier who was constantly trying to impress his dad (who I found out later was a sexist misogynist who had life-long affairs with multiple women and fathered children with multiple women and even paraded one of his long-time affairs at holidays in front of my grandmother.) I loved my grandfather, but NO. Why would my father want to impress someone like that? I don't know.  My dad died of a Heart Attack at 64 never really doing what he had dreamed of doing. 

My step father died at 54, the same age I am. He, too, tried to impress his father his whole life. He divorced my mom and remarried another woman who was REALLY DIFFERENT from my mom, but he was able to achieve a few dreams with her (buy a house, open a restaurant that later went bankrupt, etc.) But he died of Pancreatic Cancer. 

My mom  -- same story. Breast Cancer, then a really bad heart attack and then a stroke during surgery that took away her ability to communicate clearly (and she was ALL ABOUT storytelling), eat solid food, and be mobile. She, too, died never having felt she achieved any of her dreams. 

These are sad anecdotes, but they're here for me to remind me to take care of myself. There's NOTHING so important that can't wait. And if you have friends who don't understand when you cancel, if you have family that want all of your time, if you have colleagues who shift the work bulk to you , I am giving you permission RIGHT NOW to say NO. 

And also, don't wait until you're sick to take those sick days. That's what I'm going to remember after today. 

There's a movie I love, Cousins, where one character talks the other into calling in "well" because it's a beautiful day and life is short. 

Call in well. Do it tomorrow. You're allowed to LIVE.